There are some things that are so bizarre that you can hardly believe it. A black hole is one of those. It has a gravitational field so intense that no matter or radiation can escape…..not even light!! It’s also invisible.
Although we don’t have to worry about getting sucked in by a real black hole, there are plenty of other things that can suck us in. And while those things vary, there is one insidious black-hole-like thing common to us all. Like black holes, this one is invisible as well. What is it? It’s an “I don’t want” mindset.
I don’t know about you, but when I experience fear, anger, and other unpleasant emotions associated with people or events, my default mode is to wish they weren’t there. I go into an “I don’t want” attitude and fail to realize that my unpleasantries…be it fear, anger or whatever, are simply signals of things that need my attention.
And that’s the real issue: thinking of what I don’t want and/or trying to wish it away. It’s not my unpleasantries or harsh realities that are the problem; my real problem is my mindset about them.
When we focus on what we don’t want, we also create a black hole like vacuum, and end up with two “I don’t want’s”:
- Whatever it was that you let set you off in the first place.
- A vacuum that begins to take on a strong, gravitational pull of its own; a Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) black hole if you would.
It’s important to remember that focusing on what you don’t wan’t is a natural reaction, so don’t beat yourself up over it. What you want to remember is that focusing on what you don’t want often sets-up a “To Me”, Victim mindset that functions as a positive, perpetual feedback loop that grows stronger and sucks you deeper unless you break out of it. Some people never do. Anyone come to mind?
The solution? When unpleasantness and harsh realities show up, instead of focusing on what you don’t want simply ask yourself “What do I want?”
By asking yourself “What do I want?”, you get some much needed AIR that counters the pull of the DDT black hole
- A= Attention on what matters most (what you want vs don’t want).
- I= Intention (focusing on your real outcome, not just ridding yourself of problems).
- R= Results (satisfying and sustainable, not just temporary or reactive).
The benefits of getting some AIR and into TED include:
- Empowerment to focus on a vision of our own choosing…how to respond and where to go from here.
- Mobilization of creative energy so we can act on things within our control.
- A renewed sense of purpose, forward movement and meaningful progress.
Our default reactions and natural responses when we experience things we don’t want or like usually don’t serve us well. By asking “What do I want?” instead of focusing on what you don’t want can help you escape the invisible, insidious pull of the DDT and take positive action instead.
I’ll leave you with a challenge this time instead of a question: The next time you find yourself focusing on what you don’t like or want, experiment and ask “What do I want?” instead.
Please leave a comment and let me know how it goes, I’d love to know.