A leader with high relationship management ability is superb at handling difficult conversations.  People naturally bring their issues to her because they are confident she has their best interests in mind and can remain calm and objective even when the stakes large, emotions are high and opinions differ. She’s great at making people feel respected and seeing the big picture while still being mindful of the small details that are important to people. Want one? Most do.

The problem is one of supply and demand: their just aren’t enough of them.

Why relationship management is important

Relationship management is the secret formula for leading yourself and others well because the carrot and stick approach just doesn’t work anymore (if it ever truly did).

As Simon Sinek points, there are only two basic ways to influence human behavior: you can manipulate it or inspire it.  Manipulation may get you short-term results, but the ante always has to be upped and it never leads to loyalty.

We live in a world starved for leaders who can empower lasting, positive change and organizations that require it. Unfortunately, there seems to be a short supply.  One study found that only 6% of leaders successfully influence the behavior of those they lead. In addition, over 90% of dysfunctional, undermining behavior was recalcitrant to change and persisted for over a year, with 30% lasting over 10yrs! So how can we more of what is needed and the leaders who can deliver it? Specifically, how can you be a leader who has high relationship management ability?

How to grow my Relationship Management Ability

First, make sure you have the fundamentals down. Specifically, the first three S+EI ability domains and related competencies from which relationship management flows.  This give you as a leader your clear sense of being and purpose….your powerful Why that will allow you to resonate with others.

In his book “Influencer”, Joseph Grenny offers the following 5 ways that you as a leader can grow your influence and ability to create lasting change:

• Focus on behavior.
• Connect to values.
• Invest in skills.
• Leverage peer pressure.
• Change the environment.

Why Relationship Management is the secret

I believe Maxwell’s Law of Buy-in is the key here: people first buy in to the leader before they buy-into their cause. This means the best leaders must first win hearts before they win minds.  Once done, a leader skilled in relationship management can inspires and move people with a compelling vision and get them excited about a common mission. Relationship management ability is a leader’s secret sauce to getting those he leads to align with his vision, his agenda, and ultimately adopt his vision as their own.

Having buy-in and alignment is just the beginning. After all, leadership is a contact sport and “stuff” is going to happen.  A leader high in relationship management skills has the unique ability go from proactively and constructively addressing conflict  and contentious issues with individuals and groups to having casual but impactful conversations.  They can recognize “good enough” and when to “switch and link”.  The result? People and things stay on track instead of exploding when stress is high, opinions and agendas differ and a lot of strong egos are in the mix. They are able to lead themselves and others well and maximize the probability of long-term success.

Are you empowering lasting, positive change in the people and/or organizations you lead the way you want? What do you currently need more or less of in order to lead yourself and others well?

Think about it, then take the action you need to become and do what you want.

Rob

Discussions of leadership often resemble Dicken’s novel “A Tale of Two Cities”. What usually comes to mind are a recollection of extremes; the best of leaders and the worst of leaders.   Consider yourself for example (really do this): First, think an excellent leader that positively impacted you. Next, think of a terrible leader that negatively impacted you.

Finally, think of the best mediocre leader you ever knew. The first two are usually no problem for most people. The last one is kind of hard to come up with, isn’t it?

The reason it’s easy to remember the best and worst leaders is because they make an indelible emotional imprint on our souls.  Excellent leaders do so positively because they excel at relationship management.

What It Is

Relationship-management (or social-management) is the coming together of the first three S+EI abilities or skills in a way that allows you to influence others. It’s your ability to use the awareness of your emotions and those of others to successfully manage interactions among people…even those you don’t like or who are difficult.

It’s most easily recognized in a leader as the masterful ability to  persuade, resolve and collaborate. And it’s more than just being charismatic or friendly, although many  leaders come across that way because of their ability to resonate with others. Daniel Goleman says in it’s simply “friendliness with a purpose: moving people in the direction you desire.”

What they have

Successful leaders nearly always have the IQ and technical competencies to be in the game…but these are only the “ante” or admission ticket, if you will. A high level of relationship management is what sets the best of leaders apart from the rest. These leaders seem to have  a “6th sense” for finding to common ground among diverse people, organizations and even cultures.

Leaders with a high level of relationship management embody and consistently demonstrate the following competencies (modified from Primal Leadership, appendix B):

• Inspiration- they create resonance and move people with a compelling vision or shared mission.
• Influence- know how to get buy-in, are persuasive and can engage both individuals and groups.
• Develop others- show a genuine interest in and knowledge of those they work with and are natural mentors or coaches.
• Change catalyst- recognize the need for the change, challenge the status quo, and champion the new order. They don’t take no for an answer when they believe in something and they remove obstacles for others.
• Conflict management- they openly acknowledge and even welcome conflict, get the voices in the room, surface perspectives and reframe to find the common ground on which everyone can align. They then redirect the energy toward a common ideal or goal.
• Teamwork and collaboration- can get others to enthusiastically commit, build a shared identity, esprit de corps and friendliness by modeling respect, helpfulness, and cooperation.

What they do

Leaders, by definition, get their work done through others. They’re do this effectively through the confluence of the other three S+EI domain competencies in a way that becomes a visible expression of the fourth domain: highly effective relationship management. Leaders high in relationship management ability:

• Are passionate about who they are, what they do and who they lead
• Manage themselves, others and their teams well
• Motivate, collaborate and ask powerful questions as well as tell
• Know how to appeal to and move with both emotion and reason
• They persuade from a strong “Why” and don’t manipulate

Finally, these leaders build trust, bonds, rapport and develop a broad relationship network…both professional and personal.  These attributes enable them to get other people to adopt their values, vision and mission as their own and then go get stuff done…the right stuff, the right way, with the right people.

How would you rate your relationship management ability as a leader? The first thing  you need to do is make sure you have others who willingly follow you. Otherwise, as John Maxwell says “your not leading your just taking a walk.”

As with the other 3 domains of S+EI, you can take a swag or actually measure your relationship management ability. Getting feedback from others using a simple conversational 360 feedback approach is tremendously helpful but obviously not for the thin-skinned or faint of heart.  Regardless, you need to know where you stand if you plan on intentionally growing your ability, which is a requirement if you want to lead others at a high level.

What’s your best next step here?

Rob

It’s interesting how often presidential 1-liners become cultural 1-liners. Who comes to mind when you hear  “I feel your pain”?  Depending on your age and interests in 1992, you might say Bill Clinton. On the other hand, you may recall someone saying these words to you who was either: a. well intentioned or b. being sarcastic. If you’ve had the good fortune of being with someone highly skilled in social-awareness, in particular empathy, then you’ve probably heard and sincerely felt that message loud and clear. Without a word being said.

Why empathy is important

Out of the three social awareness competencies, empathy is the secret formula for connecting with others….resonance, if you would.  Someone who is highly skilled in empathy has the ability to pick-up on the emotions of another person and then mirror and identify with where they are at emotionally.  Understanding empathy also helps you distinguish between it and sympathy so you can keep from acting in an unbecoming way.

Usually only cognitive empathy is considered when empathy is discussed. But if you want to fully understand how another person experiences the world then you need to know about all three types:

• Cognitive Empathy-  The “Knowing” of empathy
• Emotional Empathy- the “Feeling” of empathy
• Empathetic Concern- the “Doing” of empathy

Cognitive empathy refers to being able to sense how another person thinks. It is a natural curiosity about other people’s reality that can help us see things through their eyes and put things in their terms so we can better communicate with them.  Leaders with a high level of  cognitive empathy get better levels of performance from those they lead and are able to to pick up the norms and ground rules of other cultures more quickly.

Emotional empathy refers to how we feel and experience the other person’s emotions. In other words, our feelings resonate.  To do this effectively, we have to intentionally tune in to others’ feelings as well as pay attention to their facial, vocal, and other nonverbal signs in an ongoing, real-time basis.

 Empathic concern refers to a sensitivity to the other person’s needs and a readiness to help if needed. Other people pick-up on this and feel cared for and supported.  It also conveys a trust that frees them to be curious, explore and take risks because they feel they are in a safe environment.

How do I grow my empathy?

First, you need to get a grip on where your at.  The reality is that no matter how empathy-skilled we think we are, there is always room for improvement. The good news is that being attuned to informal feedback, intentionally seeking formal feedback, coaching and activities like the Empathy Exercise can help you improve.

Why empathy is the secret

Empathy, along with the other competencies of social-awareness, is the lynch-pin of your personal ability to manage relationships with others.  As leader, it’s the cornerstone of your most basic, primal task: to prime positive emotions in your followers. Once primed, positive emotions will sustain resonance in your followers that inspires, motivates and empowers them to do great things.

How is your empathy “muscle”? How would you describe the ratio of the 3 types of empathy in your own secret formula for connecting with others? What adjustments need to be made?

Being aware of and managing yourself well along with a high level of social-awareness, especially empathy, will certainly make you a nice person to be around. But unless you are effective with social-management (relationship management), you won’t effectively influence those around you or be an effective leader.

Relationship management is the fourth and final domain of S+EI to consider and is what I am going to discuss next.

Rob

Have you ever known someone who had the ability to enter a room, immediately identify and connect with you? Someone, who when they spoke with you,  made you make you feel like you’re the only one there?

One of my business partners is like that. Regardless of someone’s background, emotional state, political opinion, or if they’ve just met, he can connect with them in about 2 seconds in a way that let’s them know that:

• They have his full attention
• He understands  or “gets” who they are
• He’s truly interested in them and wants to know more
• He has their best interests in mind

I bet you know someone that can connect with others like that too.  There’s something about their ability to connect that makes us want to be more like them. But what is it?

In a word, it’s their social-awareness. Empathy is the core element of  social-awareness, which in turn is the foundational skill of your ability to relate with others. Empathy and it’s embodiment in social-awareness is also the single most important factor for visionary leadership. After all, how do you prime positive emotions in others and inspire them if you don’t even know where they’re coming from or how they feel? As Napoleon once said “a leader is a dealer in hope”.

What it is

Social Awareness is the ability to empathize and be attuned to others and their values, priorities and concerns. And empathy is the key to having a high level of social awareness.  It’s characterized by being able to sense accurately and then say the right words and/or do the right thing at the right time. What do we call those who have social-awareness deficit disorder (SAAD)? We often call them “clueless”.

What they have

Leaders with a high level of social-awareness have the ability to pick up on the emotions of others and really understand what’s going on with them; even when their thinking and feelings are different.  These leaders consistently demonstrate the following competencies:

• Empathy that is encompassing- being “tuned-in” to other people’s emotions, state, and perspective regardless of background, culture and differences.
• Organizational awareness- politically astute and able to detect politics, key power relationship , important social networks and values as well as rules….particularly those that are un-written but very, very real.
• Service- foster the emotional climate and make key connections critical to satisfaction and relational health. They know how to make themselves available at the right place, right time and with the right people

What they do

Leaders high in social-awareness consistently (not perfectly) stay focused, informed, in-tune and avoid getting hi-jacked by their own emotions.  They’re also masters at, and consistently demonstrate, two critical skills:

• Listening
• Observing

Because socially aware leaders make common practice out of these two common-sense skills, they’re able to recognize what  they need to stop doing, attend to others instead of their self-talk, and not be focused on what they are going  to say or do next.

Just because its’ simple doesn’t mean its easy. In fact, social awareness is hard work….at first. The good news is that just like the other 3 domains of social and emotional intelligence, the more you practice listening and observing the better you become at “reading” people. Once you start and are intentionally engaged with it, social-awareness becomes more about how you’re being vs what your doing. 

How would people rate your level of social awareness?  Are there signs that you are a good reader of the people with whom you live and lead? Or, perhaps there are clues that you……well, may be a bit clueless as times?

At the beginning of this post I said empathy was the cornerstone of social-awareness and the foundation of your ability to relate with others.  Since that’s the case, you may want to brush-up on your understanding of empathy, what it can do for you and how to leverage it in your leadership.

Empathy is really the secret formula for connecting with others….resonance, if you would. And that’s what I am going to discuss next.

Rob

Have you ever had the unexpected or unwelcome occur at the most inopportune time and render you at a loss for words or ability to react…the way you need to? That’s part of the problem with unexpected events: we don’t see them coming and they always seem arrive at the worst time!

Why self-management is important

Life isn’t always fair and at some point we all get hammered with the:

• Unexpected
• Unwelcome
• Overwhelming

The key difference between people with a high level of self-management and everyone else is that the former are able to process and express the emotions that arise from these experiences at the right time, in the right way and with the right people; they don’t let their emotions just spill over the dam so to speak.  Instead, they’ve learned to self-manage their emotions and are able to “go with the flow” and “roll with the punches”. They’ve learned how to make changes and intelligent adjustments, regardless of whether the seas around them are calm or raging, which in turn leads to a competitive advantage in today’s ever changing organizational environments and business markets

Self-Management allows for transparency and authenticity, in particular with regard to one’s feelings, beliefs, values and action. Being able to interpret and plan actions with regard to one’s deepest held attributes empowers impulse control and keeps us from acting in ways we would later regret.  All of these attributes fuel and underlie integrity.  The end result is that other people who encounter a person high in self-management sense that he or she is the “genuine article” and someone who can be trusted.

How do I grow my self-management ability?

Becoming aware of your emotions and gaining control of how you respond to them is the basis for good emotional hygiene. It can’t be faked either; people will see right through a poser.  In order to be authentic, it starts with a high level of self-awareness and is cultivated through evaluated practice…..which means you need feedback.

How does your self-management sit with you?  May be more importantly, what would those closest to you say about your level of self-management?  Taking an honest estimate (or assessment) of your self-management ability and where others perceive you to be can be an intimidating task even for the boldest among us. But if you choose to step-up, the benefit can be huge: you’ll know what the gap looks like, can proactively begin to bridge it, and build up your self-management “muscle”.

Why self-awareness is the secret

It begins with self-awareness. We have to know where we are at emotionally before we can do anything meaningful about it. While most of us may never have to make a huge withdrawal from our emotional reserves like Captain Sullenberger did in order to save US Airways Flight 1549 and all aboard, we all need enough self-awareness and self-management ability in order to cover the debits that hit our account daily.  As leaders, we need much more in order to lead ourselves and others well.

Do you have what you need? If not, what’s your next best step?
Rob

Shortly after take-off, Captain Sully Sullenberger found himself piloting an Airbus A320 whose engines had just been permanently disabled after hitting a flock of birds.  A quick assessment of the rapidly deteriorating situation and brief discussion with aircraft control made one thing clear to him: neither of the two options for returning and safely landing US Airways flight 1549 were likely to get everyone home alive. Instead, he chose a third option on that cold January day in 2009 that did: making a water landing in the Hudson river.

According to Captain Sullenberger, the moments before the crash were “the worst sickening, pit-of-your-stomach, falling-through-the-floor feeling” that he had ever experienced. Later in an interview with Katie Couric, Sullenberger said “One way of looking at this might be that for 42 years, I’ve been making small, regular deposits in this bank of experience, education and training. And on January 15 the balance was sufficient so that I could make a very large withdrawal.” But what was it that allowed Sully to actually make the withdrawal in the first place?  The emotional self-management he had developed over those same 42 years.

What it is

Self-management rests firmly on the foundation of self-awareness and is built from there.  It allows leaders to focus and direct the energy and attention required to achieve their goals without becoming distracted or sidetracked. Self-management is what allows you to follow your compass, stay on course and arrive at your intended destination, even when internal emotional turbulence is severe and your head gets cloudy. When intentionally and habitually developed over time, a self-mastery results that exudes confidence and is palpable by others.

The self-mastery that flows from self-management allows us to give our feelings their proper place at the proper time. It allows the mental clarity and concentrated energy required to feel our emotions deeply, channel them constructively and reign them in when necessary. Otherwise, the tail (our emotions) can end up wagging the dog (you).

What they Have

Leaders with a high level of self-management consistently demonstrate the following competencies:

• Emotional self-control- are able to manage even disturbing emotions and impulses, often in useful ways.
• Calm under pressure- they remain “unflappable” even in the most difficult situations.
• Transparency- live their values in an authentic and genuine way that demonstrates integrity and engenders trust. they admit mistakes and are willing to hold others accountable as well.
• Adaptability- are able to “roll with the punches” in the face of unexpected change and make intelligent adjustments without losing focus or energy. They have learned the fine art of being comfortably uncomfortable even in the midst of uncertainty.
• Achievement- hold high standards for them and those they lead. They set and achieve challenging but attainable goals that are actually worthy of pursuit and are always looking for ways to do things better.
• Initiative- know what it takes to get where they want to go. They don’t just wait for things to happen, but seize opportunities and when necessary, create them.
• Optimism- have a ”glass half-full” perspective that enables them to recognize the opportunity as well as the threat. They expect positive changes and see the best in others.

What they do

Leaders high in self-management have an informed, energetic optimism that resonates and positively impacts others. That kind of optimism is powerful:  it serves as an “emotional contagion” that emanates from the leader and influences the group.  Unfortunately, the converse is equally true for leaders with a negative, pessimistic outlook.

I’ll say more about the importance of self-management and how to get more of it in the next  post. In the meantime, how does your self-management sit with you?  More importantly, how would others describe your self-management and the kind of emotional contagions you spread when you walk into a room?

As with self-awareness, you can take a swag or actually measure your self-awareness level. If you really want to take a good pulse, another tool is to get 360 feedback from those around you, but that’s not for the faint of heart.  Regardless, you need to know where you stand if you plan on intentionally growing it, which is a requirement if you want to lead others at a high level.

What’s your best next step here?

Rob