Just about everyone has at least one moment they would like to take back; a quick act or word spoken. Whether it’s a few of these episodes or many, like paper thrown to the wind, they can’t be recalled. What you can do is keep it from happening again (and in some cases, again and again).

The trouble is that while most people know they want to react better when they get triggered, they don’t know how.

That’s where having practical framework for gaining insight and understanding of your default reaction mode can be invaluable.  Unfortunately, most of us have little if any awareness of our default reaction mode when our hot buttons are pushed.

The challenge is being able to label how you react so you can then get a handle on it.

That’s why Lysa Terkuest’s podcast (part 1 and part 2) discussing her book “Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions” resonated with me. By breaking down the 15 competencies of SEI into 2 basic categories that everyone can understand, her model can help you quickly to get a handle on where you’re at. And once you know where your at, you can decide what you want to be different and the how to go about the change.

It starts by recognizing that internal conflict occurs when we feel exposed or opposed. One of our hot-buttons is pushed and we get triggered. Easy enough.

Where it gets tough is recognizing our own default reaction patterns and clearly labeling them. The good news is that Lysa’s model provides a tool doing just that; two simple categories, each with two flavors.  The other news here is that doing so requires some reflection and often times honest and painful admissions.  After all, who wants to admit they’re basically a “Stuffer” or “Exploder”?

Which One Are You?

A “Stuffer” is someone who keeps everything to themselves and does all they can to avoid conflict; just pushes it in and avoids. He or she then:

• Builds barriers- keeps it from happening again by staying away or keeping the other person away. Passive aggressiveness comes to mind.
• Collects Rocks- “retaliation rocks”, specifically.  Behind the sweet smile he or she is quietly finding and storing away everything they possibly can to inflict maximum damage at a later and more opportune time.

An “Exploder” makes no pretenses and has little if any filter. They just go off in an attempt to make “it” go away. She or he then:

• Blames- spews blame at others like bile and takes no ownership of what happened or how they are reacting.
• Shames- similar to the first because it involves blame; only this time it’s directed inward shortly after the eruption and results in shame.  If you could hear the self-talk there would be a lot of “shoulding” and “ought-to-have” being said.

The Liberating Truth

Your default reaction patterns are not who you are and you don’t have to be defined by them. The fact that it’s possible to be both given the context is ample proof. For example, you might be a “Stuffer” when it comes to your boss and an “Exploder” with your kids.  Remind yourself it’s something you do and not who you are. More importantly, know you can do something about…if you’re willing.

The good news is that our emotions are indicators, not dictators; emotional smoke signals if you will. Keeping that reality in mind as well as our default reaction patterns can help us react how we want to instead of how we are inclined to. It begins with self-awareness.

How is your natural reaction style affecting the results you’re getting?

Whether your a Stuffer and Exploder, please leave a comment, I’d love to hear your thoughts

If your emotional fitness was visible to others as an external physique, would it attract or repel?

Because our physical appearance is usually the first thing others notice about us, we give it a lot of attention.  What we usually don’t realize is that our emotional state is probably the next thing people pick up on about us and they usually do it pretty quickly.  The reality is that emotions are contagious and our neuronal circuitry is wired so that they are easily influenced and  “caught”.

Physical asymmetry

Having grown up competing in sports and being physically active, I identify much easier with the physical than the emotional.  Perhaps you do too.

It’s pretty easy to tell a lifter who is well rounded vs one who just focuses on their favorite body region or workout routine. The guy in the gym with bulging biceps, a massive chest and pencil legs is an easily identifiable example of the latter. No question that an upper body workout is more fun and less difficult than lower body but the end result is a bit grotesque. If you want the full package, you have to work on the full package (leg day, anyone?)

Emotional Mastery and Symmetry

Likewise, maximum emotional fitness requires mastery and symmetry of our ability to experience a full range of feelings and virtues, not just the ones we gravitate toward naturally or like. Besides the lack of the visual, what makes things more difficult in this arena is that the mind doesn’t like to hold the tension brought on by contradictory impulses.

For example:

• If you value toughness you may undervalue tenderness.
• If spontaneity is your thing, then self-control may be excused.
• If you value honesty above all else then it’s easy (and convenient) to forget the compassion.
• Just because you’re bold doesn’t mean you can do away with caution.
• If “happy land” is your preferred destination, avoiding any hint of sorrow or pain can land you in the opposite location quick.

The list of opposite emotions and virtues that need be held in tension and symmetry could go on, but I think I the point is clear. The real issue is our self awareness of how we’re balanced in this area and our level of mastery with it.

The Key

To be fully engaged emotionally requires the capacity to hold opposite virtues and emotions simultaneously, or anacolouthia. Anacolouthia is the mutual entailment of virtues and accompanying emotions whereby a virtue isn’t a virtue by itself. After all, honesty without compassion becomes cruelty.

Here are 3 ways to build anacolouthia.

1. Accept the tension that comes with holding opposites- view them as a tension to be managed not a problem to be “fixed”.
2. Learn to value all the virtues-  discover what proportions work best and see the synergy; don’t choose sides.
3. Appreciate your weak areas- qualities you naturally oppose or don’t like have their merits; let go of judgement and find leverage instead.

Often the most important things are simple to understand but hard to do. In this case, it’s complex and contradictory as well. The end goal is to build your capacity move freely and flexibly between your own opposites.

If your emotional “physique” were as visible as your physical one, where would you start working asap?

Please leave a comment, I’d love to hear where and how the symmetry is for you.

First impressions are often more important than actual results.  This sounds harsh and unfortunately, it’s the truth.

I’ve meet people who I initially was put off by and I’m sure you have too. In my situation, I was fortunate to get to know some of them better because as it turned out they were not only great people, they were superstars as well; I was just too biased by my first impression  to recognize it. It makes me wonder how many people I’ve dismissed because of a faulty first impression and missed getting to know.  Of course the opposite has been true too…..some people who appear amazing on the surface turn out to be hollow at their core. How can you tell the difference?

The reality is that you and I are by nature judging creatures.  We. Just. Do. It.

Since that’s the case and initial impressions are so important, what can be done about it? Trying to stop being judgmental doesn’t work. Remember, we are.  Instead, we can redirect our awareness and judgements to five key factors, who according to Debjani Mukherejee Biswas, can make all the difference between success or failure the workplace:

1. “Buzz”- a real but intangible factor of what people know about you from what they read, other people say or your background.  This may be real or perceived.
2. Appearance- intrinsic physical characteristics, body language, dress, style, accessories, body odor (presence or absence of), fragrances.
3. Sound- voice quality, tone, pitch, vocabulary, fluency, coherence, as well as the  “signature” of how you carry yourself, such as gravitas or goofiness.
4. Differentiators- things that stick out and are distinctive. They may be intrinsic like hair style or body dimensions or extrinsic like credentials or dress. It’s what people remember when you leave.
5. Output- this comes only after the first four have landed and may relate to content, quality, timeliness, and delivery.

Each of us have our own map for how we perceive these 5 factors and are uniquely affected by them.  And it’s important to know how we are affected because they impact how we view others, where they fit and whether they are a help or a harm. They also impact how others view us.  Do you know how these affect you and what judgments you’re currently making around them?

Unfortunately, we’re usually unconscious or sleepwalking when it comes to knowing how initial impressions are made as well as the impact these have on our decisions and the decisions of others. By being self-aware of the primary influencers of initial impressions, you can leverage them for the benefit of yourself, others and your organization. How?

It starts with self-awareness.  First, recognize where your differences are working for you as well as against you. Second, learn to recognize your self-limiting beliefs when it comes to how differences influence your initial impression of others. Both of them may be costing you more than you know either in real-time or in opportunity .

Which of your five key first impression factors do you need to either change or leverage, while being authentic, in order to make the impact you want?

Comments are welcome, even really different ones.