“Hey, don’t judge me!”  It’s one of those lines that we’ve all been either on the giving or receiving end of, likely both.  But isn’t telling someone not to judge making a judgment? Of course it is .

And that’s why we need clarity and awareness to get this one right. Otherwise we can end up throwing around a catch-phrase to either excuse our behavior or our responsibility to others.

Who Me – Judge?!

The difference between judgement and “judging” is huge. An we’ve all been impacted by both of these, whether our own or someone else’s.  Whether it’s someone getting behind the wheel after drinking too much or the friend who decides to stop them, the judgement we exercise can have huge ramifications…..I do want good judgment to be exercised.

On the other hand, I don’t want someone looking down their nose at me for what I look like, what I do or what I represent. In other words, I don’t like it when someone has a judgmental attitude toward me. Or to use plain vernacular, when someone is “judging” me.  I don’t like the way it makes me feel or the way it makes me feel toward the “judger”.  I bet you don’t either.

Unfortunately, I often find myself doing the same to others.

What I do find interesting is that both the people who protest when being judge and those “judging” often use the same source to justify their position: the Bible and Jesus himself! How can that be?!  While this isn’t a bible study, it’s with noting that the same Person saying “…don’t judge so you won’t be judged” in Matthew 7 also says “….judge according to righteous judgment” in John 7.  Based on this and what other ancients have said, “judging” is an age old problem without cultural or generational borders.

What’s The Difference and Why is it Important?

Exercising good judgment is simply making the best choice possible based on the information you have. In that regard we make judgements all the time about all kinds of issues, things and people. We can also be judgmental. The former is necessary, right and good. The latter is universal to us all, wrong and almost always hurtful.

Once you understand difference between the two, it’s much easier to embrace and make good judgments while recognizing and countering the ill effects of “judging”.

So what are they?  I think the key differences between the two are ones of object, intent, and spirit.

Good Judgement:

• Object- the decision itself
• Intent- make best decision for yourself and others impacted by it
• Spirit- Truth and objectivity

“Judging”:

• Object- the other person/group/issue
• Intent- passing sentence on another in order to  self-justify and self-elevate
• Spirit- Pride and Hypocrisy

Why Do We Judge So Much?

For me and probably most, just looking at the “judging” list is a huge turn-off. Why then, do we engage in it so often?

I think there are several reasons we engage it. First, “judging” can give us a false sense that we’re “better”, that we are are “right” as well as a false sense of security. Second, it makes us feel good in the short-term. I haven’t looked this one up, but my guess is there is a brain-science study somewhere that shows “judging” releases dopamine and all the other endogenous substances that give us a hit and corresponding high.

Here are some other less obvious reasons:

• We are compelled to do it when we see our own faults in others, hence their “splinter” becomes the “log” in our own eye.
• We are often blind to it.
• We usually don’t see (or ignore) the devastating consequences it has, both on us and on others.

The cost/benefit ratio doesn’t add up here so we need to exercise good judgement and just stop it.

How Do We Stop It?

Simply becoming aware of the difference between exercising good judgment and “judging” is the first step (and the easiest). Others include:

• Self-reflection and examination- Ask with who, what and where you’re prone to judge; we all have ‘em.
• Check yourself in the moment- Ask what it is your really doing, exercising judgement or “judging”? Assessing your object, intent and spirit will help you know which it is.
• Cultivate curiosity- Challenge your judgment by asking “what’s another reason a sane, reasonable person would be doing this?”
• Demonstrate empathy- and make sure to include all three types: cognitive, emotional, and empathetic concern or compassion.

When you put an end to judging, you’re much better able to see people and things the way they really are, make better decisions, and build better and more effective relationships. The other thing is that you become a better you.

Keeping in mind the difference between exercising judgement and judging can keep us from two errors. The first would be throwing around a catch-phrase like “don’t judge me” to excuse our own behavior or our responsibility to others to make good decisions about tough issues. The other is to keep from being a smug, self-righteous “judger” who sabotages themselves and damages others.

Unlike the disappointing cost/benefit ratio associated with judging, the cost/benefit ratio of stopping  is compelling.

One of my colleagues thinks “judging” is one of the most powerful addictions on the planet. He also argues it has the highest rate of recidivism and that we are always in some stage of recovery.  I think he may be right. Addiction or not,  we all do seem to have an “inner Judge” that wants to rule the roost, so to speak. So how do you exercise sound judgment while effectively keeping your “inner judge” in check?

Please leave a comment about something you’ve found to be effective because we all need help with this one.

There’s a bumper sticker that says “Don’t believe everything you think.” I think most of us would agree, at least for much of what runs through the fertile fields of our mind. The exceptions, of course, are our cherished personal opinions and positions.

Just as sure as the righting reflex in an infant automatically causes their body to follow their head, so does our need to prove ourselves “right” when talking with others. And unlike the infant righting reflex that we’ve all outgrown, our “need-to-be-right” righting reflex is persistent and has to be actively managed.

I was reminded of that reality once again during a discussion with one of my adult kids just the other day. Once again, I had already said too much, too quick before realizing it was mostly in the service of proving my point vs adding to the shared pool of meaning through dialogue (much to my chagrin).

What exactly is the “need-to-be-right” righting reflex? It’s the desire to fix what seems wrong with people, make them see and concede to your position and set them promptly on a better course. It involves the belief that you must convince or persuade the person to do the right thing.

While the righting reflex is normal, it’s also counterproductive to our personal and professional lives.

What Drives It?

Many things. One is the delusion that if you just ask the right questions, find the right arguments, give the right critical information, provoke the decisive emotions, or pursue the correct logic that you’ll convince the other person to your point of view.  Once done of course, the other person will clearly see the error of their own mistaken ways, change and adopt yours!  The reality? We are all wired to look for evidence to support our views….including the person your trying to convince.  And if we can’t find evidence we often conveniently piece stuff together to make it up, make it fit, or make us feel better. The problem is that  because it goes both ways, a vicious positive feedback cycle occurs. What usually ensues is called an argument.

What’s the Impact?

Usually, a very directing and monologue style of communication that almost always repels the other either into some form of silence or violence. As result, healthy dialogue, creativity, resolution and our relationships suffer…..or can be lost. Even if a person is willing to consider your position, the fact you’re forcing it on them automatically turns him or her in the opposite direction, makes discord more likely than dialogue and turns a potential friend toward being a foe.

What To Do?

• First, realize what resisting the righting reflex is not: It’s not admitting that your wrong! It simply means your open to learning.
• Understand that your reflexive response to correct, fix, or make change happen may not be the best choice; you could be mistaken, misunderstand one or more points, be flat-out wrong or simply have a legitimate difference of opinion.
• Challenge what you’re thinking without a rigid attachment to your own perspective.
• Listen actively and reflectively. Reflective listening means you can feedback to the other person what they said and ask for understanding or clarification
• Express an openness to looking at your conclusions from other perspectives; be curious.
• Be gracious when disagreements remain and remember that the topic is separate from the relationship.

Why Curiosity and Openness are effective.

There are several reasons, not the least of which is that people value their autonomy and agency highly and want to come to conclusions ourselves and not have them forced on us. The other is that curiosity and openness foster rapport and engagement, which helps you better understand the other persons needs and motivations. Once you do, you have a better foundation for effective communication, collaboration and enabling change.

The reality is that our own thoughts are not necessarily the most reliable source when it comes to the truth. Yet it’s so easy to forget that. When we do, we become rigidly fixed in our own perspective, closed to seeing things any other way, and very attached to being “right”. I said it before and will repeat it here: remaining unattached to your position and curious about that of others isn’t admitting you’re wrong, it just means you’re open to learning.

Where is the righting reflex showing up in your life and relationships? Once you answer that question you have a choice to make: you can choose to be effective in a winsome way or you can choose to be “right”.

Comments are valuable, so please share yours.

When it comes to fundamentals, basic building blocks of knowledge and skills that lead to mastery and success usually come to mind. What we don’t realize is that there are certain fundamentals that can do the exact opposite for us and lead us to demise.  The Fundamental Attribution Error or FAE is one of those.

The FAE, which also goes by the name of correspondence bias or attribution effect, is probably best understood when described: it’s when we attribute ill-intentions to what another person says or does. The pernicious “other side of the coin” is that when it comes to our own behaviors, we almost always attribute it to our circumstances or environment and not our intentions. In other words, we’re really good and giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt while denying it to others….after, it’s the other person who has the problem, not you (right?).

The FAE isn’t some new concept, it’s been described in the psychology literature for some time. What was new and a jolt for me was being aware of how often I commit it.

What does that look like practically? Here is an example:

Your kid has destroyed part of the drywall in the garage by throwing a screwdriver into it about 100 times and making it stick.  You see it and immediately think how ungrateful and disrespectful the kid is. You also begin to worry about the destructive behavior you know he is beginning to develop.

While I’m not sure that’s what my parents thought back in 1975 when they first saw the garage wall mentioned above, I do know they weren’t happy.  I also know the reason that I did it had nothing to do with the reasons given in the example. It’s just that I had gotten pretty good at throwing a screwdriver and making it stick in the wall.  I simply needed extra practice so I could take it to the next level….with a knife in a tree (oops! didn’t notice I tore up a wall in the process).

After what you just read, are you starting to get a bit of a jolt too?  My guess is you are because the FAE is one fundamental that seems to be inherent vs acquired (although some of us learn to make a fine art of it over the years).  My other guess is that results you get when you make the FAE are the same as mine: not good for either your relationships or outcomes.

So what to do?

First, be aware of 5 signs that indicate you may be tromping around in FAE territory:

1. Disappointment in the other person or pride in yourself.
2. Self-justification, excuse making, and giving yourself the benefit of the doubt.
3. Anger, frustration and casting blame and judgement toward others.
4. Inferring motives to others you wouldn’t ascribe to yourself in the same situation.
5. You feel these same things from others and feel judged or victimized.

Second, replace a trending FAE mindset with:

• Curiosity and Interest – observe behavior and results from a place of curiosity.
• A key question- what are some other reasons  an otherwise sane and rational person would do this (besides the one you are inferring)?

If want to improve your relationships and results, consider how the FAE is impacting you.  It’s one of those low-hanging fruit kind of things you can begin to address and get really positive results fairly quickly…with practice. Like many things, it’s simple and not easy.

If this is all new, where and with who is the FAE showing up most in your life?  If you decided to address it, how would it positively affect your relationships and results?

If you’ve already recognized FAE and are addressing it, outstanding!  What’s working well for you and what isn’t?   Please leave a comment and share the wealth.