Have you ever fantasized or had the fleeting thought of how great it would be if you could “wish” and make your problems…especially problem people… go away? I think most of us have at one time or another. It’s clearly delusional and a waste of time to just wish. What if you could actually transform things instead?
The reality is that we can transform the biggest problem people that repeatedly show up in our lives. It’s not only possible, it’s also entirely within your control because those “people” are you! Well, not exactly but almost. To be more specific, they’re the three characters of the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) that you manifest once you drift from “Presence” and on to the DDT . Remember, Presence is about being real, authentic and engaged in the moment; you’re both being and moving in concert with what is happening.
David Emerald puts a twist on Karpman’s DDT in the The Power of TED: The Empowerment Dynamic (TED). TED is a great short story that is easy to identify with. It’s a short and entertaining read; I highly recommend it. After reading it you’ll be much more aware and feel much more more empowered.
While the simple reality of being able to transform any one of the troublesome DDT characters is awesome, I found there was small but significant problem the first time I actually tried to do it: I realized I really didn’t want to transform. That’s right…I knew transformation was in my best interest but hey, siting in my “right to be right” felt too good at the time. That reminded me of two truths:
- Just because something feels good to us doesn’t mean it’s good for us.
- Just because something is simple to do doesn’t mean it is easy to do.
Given that we know what we want to transform out of (the DDT), what is it that we want to transform into? When we make an intentional shift from Drift to Presence we can transform and show-up for ourselves as one of these 3 empowering characters:
- Creator- The central role of TED and antidote to the Victim. Unlike the Victim, the creator still faces
and solves problems and does so by taking 100% responsibility (no more or less). The Creator taps into his or her inner passion to create the outcomes they desire instead of reacting to what they don’t want. - Challenger- The antidote to the Villain. Instead of provoking a reaction from a Victim, the Challenger serves Creators as a catalyst for change, learning and growth. A Challenger can be a person, condition or circumstance. The crazy thing is that a Challenger often shows up in unexpected forms and often at the most inconvenient and un-welcomed times.
- Coach- The antidote to the Hero. Instead of reinforcing a powerless Victim, the Coach sees each person as a Creator in their own right. The Coach seeks to support Creators in their pursuits by working with them to identify current realities, clarify envisioned outcomes, and how they can bridge the gap between the two.
I have found that just about everybody can identify with the 3 “Problem People” of the DDT. Likewise, most can they identify with the “3 C’s” of TED. While no model is perfect, everyone can use the TED model to help them shift from Drift and back toward what who they really want to be and what they really want to do for themselves and others. The TED model is also a powerful tool and antidote that Leaders can leverage in order to counteract the natural pull of the DDT to maximize their presence and influence.
What problems are you wishing….or maybe even fantasizing….would just go away? How’s that been working for you so far? What current leadership roles do are you responsible for where you need to shift from being on DDT and into the TED model? How would shifting serve your best interests as well as those you lead?
As you consider the questions above, the other thing to consider is whether you really want to transform at all. If you’re honest with yourself, you may find that you prefer to just settle for where your at. Yes, it may feel good in a sick sort of way to stay stuck….I get it. My friend Darryl Lyons gets a little more graphic: he liken’s that state to a baby wanting to stay in his or her warm, full diaper (gross, I know, but it does make the point). If that’s you right now then just own it and remind yourself of the simple truth #1 listed above.
On the other hand, if or when you’re ready to transform, then your going to need to Shift. Shifting will require some shift moves, which is where were going next so stay tuned!
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